The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
