I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
