Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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