She is in my trunk
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
