When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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