So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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