Me too!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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