Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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