def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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