im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize