Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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