drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dicks are not precious.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
