Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
