I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize