Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
