just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
