I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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