Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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