I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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