I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
