if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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