for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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