Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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