The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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