there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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