If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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