I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
