i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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