if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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