if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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