I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
