The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
