sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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