I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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