i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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