Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
