if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
