she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
