She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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