Me. At least after what I've been through.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
