Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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