I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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