Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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