i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize