Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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