Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
