The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
