i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize