i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
