Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
