so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
