somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
