the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I love you.
Bad choice
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