i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
