is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
