the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
