Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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