No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
