I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize