I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
