come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize