My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
