if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
