11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
