Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
