I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My ATM looks so different sober.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
